I Am A Fighter - Part 4

I am writing this article on the eve of first radiation therapy session.

It has been 3 weeks since I was discharged from hospital.

Adjusting to environment of my own home after massive surgery and staying in hospital initial 9 days after surgery was a bit tough, because of a bit fuzziness and disorientation.

In a day or two fully adjusted and comfortable, with an amazing nurse Rajeshree I started recouping fast. 

I felt elated when I was allowed to have coconut water from mouth along with RT feed of protein powder. One comes to know the importance of things which we take granted.

One week of water and coconut water doctor permitted met to take clear soups also from mouth. Though initially it used to be big task, soup dribbling all over, swallowing an effort but yet I enjoyed the bland soup. 

One week of two RT feeds, milk shake (made from oats, fox nuts, almonds and walnuts, sieved nicely to get rid of tiniest bit of solid particle) two feeds of soup with coconut water and sweet lime juice in between I started gaining my lost strength. 

With my son, daughter in law and grandson with us the environment of home was full of joy and laughter.The people and the environment in the house matters a lot.

The support, care and love of my children and grand children and the extended family acts like elixir. 

Then came a disappointment in the end of third week when I was expecting the RT to be removed I got swelling again on my sight of surgery. One tends to get perturbed. 

Expressing your feeling is best thing one can do. Don't hide your disappointment, and anger. Bottling up the feelings is worse thing.

 

Dr. Dhar is amazing doctor and this is what one requires, a doctor who listens patiently to your complaints as fickle as they may be. Brings down your anxiety by explaining everything. 

With some antibiotics and soothing words from Dr. Dhar I was in best of the spirits.

 

After three days I had to visit Dr. Prabhune and he removed my RT and asked me to take soft, non-spicy full meal, but high protein diet. I literally jumped with joy. 

With tube hanging from my nostril gone I enjoyed luke warm tea with biscuits after 25 days. It was a treat for me. 

Dinner of soup with sautéed mushrooms was a amazing. 

From next day onwards vegetable, Daal,roti/sabzi,currd, Khichdi(polenta), half fry egg etc anything which are not hard became part of menu of my breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Just one precaution is to be taken. Clean the mouth with with diluted mouth wash every time anything is eaten to keep surgery site of mouth cavity clean. 

Disappoint, irritation and pains are and will be part of the treatment. I am told by my doctors and radiotherapist that the second leg of journey will start getting tough after a, week or two. Weaknesses will start setting, skin will start getting darker and sensitive, blisters will start appearing in mouth, due to fibrosis mouth opening may go down so despite of pain and discomfort jaw opening excersice will have to be done. But I am also determined to bear what comes my way  with courageous attitude and be as cheerful as possible, yet vent out my feeling when going gets tough. 

Why be a defeatist when Almighty has blessed me with amazing set of doctors, great family and the means to get best of the treatment. 

Remember negative attitude only can defeat a person. Count your blessings. Be positive. 

I Am A Fighter -Part 3

This article is being written from neither from hospital nor from bed, but from the comfor of home, sitting on rocking chair in balcony surrounded by my plants.

Since I was doing fine, maintained my walks of 5k steps daily so I was sent home to recoup. I am yet being fed by RT, oral intake of plain water has started.

As I had said in my earlir article the journey is long, path arderous. I pray to Amighty to give me strength and walk the path with me. 

Once back do not expect things are the same as when you left for hospital, because then you were the boss now you are not. Believe me if you have a good family who takes care of everything like my daughter is doing, relaxing and let day pass by without any responsibility is very very comforting. 

What is important is that you are rest assured that people are there to do all the work, just lay back and focus on recouping.

On 11th july few staples of chest were removed, swollen cheek was drained of the accumulated fluid. 

I am lucky that I got very good private nurse who takes care of my cleaning, medicines, feed and plays cards with me. 

When RTfeed starts in the begining it does cause some loose motions, it is due to sudden chage of food which is "Resource" powder mixed with water. Nothing to worry. It settles down eventually. 

It does get frustrating that you can not communicate normally. Everytime you want to say something type on mobile or write on paper. Cumbersome but will get used to it. It is matter of 3 weeks max.

Remember to reach the hill top one has to navigate steep ascending path. Our path is not only steep but narrow also. No scope of looking left and right, just look forward towards your goal.

 My dear friends being brave and having invincible spirit are the keys  to come out winner. 

Be a Fighter.

I Am A Fighter -part 2

Second part of the article is also being written from hospital bed. Reality came knocking down with bang. Cancer is in third stage. Localized. Not spread to any part of body except out of three lymph nodes 2 were infected. So it will be wait for a month till stitches heal, then starts radiation therapy. 

Again I took it stoically.  As I said earlier it is  long journery to path of full recovery. The side effects of radiation therapy will be there. There will be good days, bad days, worse days. But then "Q sera sera what will be will be". Why loose your peace of mind by over thinking about things I cannot change. 

Fluid retention from internal seepage is taking, not getting drained completely making right side of face look like inflated foot ball and left side like deflated rugby ball.

Doctor comes deflates it but the bugger refuses to remain deflated. 

Will be discharged tomorrow to recover at home. Hope recovery is fast so that timely radiations can start. My only worry is finances and my husband who is 74 yrs of age and gets hassled fast. He cannot see me suffering. Seeing him brave faced infront of me I feel like laughing and telling come on my dear tell me you are scared. Sometimes crying, laughing together or simply holding hands can be therapeutic

There have seen people in my life whom I idolize for there strength and positive thinking.  

One person I would like to quote here is Siddharth Sinha (Bunny for us). Young chap with bunny teeth always smiling, studying hard. No special treatment madam he would say if I tried to be soft on him in my tution class. He was dealing with third stage blood cancer from the age of 12. 

His skin started cracking, going blue but he never stopped playing cricket and passed 12th with flying colors. Got 87%marks in chemistry my subject.  

Can a defeatist, negative thinker do that. A big No. He taught me what it takes to be a fighter. He lived with us with his toothy grin, happy go lucy attitude till Almighty had destined. You did not fail me Bunny I will not fail you.

My elder brother Dr. Kamlesh Kumar Pant has been constantly monitoring my progress and the support and strength he and my bhabhi Rekha Pant give is beyond description. They are my pillar of strength.

The nursing staff doctors in Jehangir hospital are extremely professional, experienced and such humane kindly attitude that I tend to forget I am suffering from stage three squamous carcinoma.  

I feel I  should mention the names of nusring staff Ms.Priya, Ms.Sayali, Ms.Roshni and Mr.Prateek from ICU. They are not nurses by profession only but by heart also. Dr. Dhar and Dr. Prabhune are expert hands one can rest assured of best treatment. When they smile I smile too eventually.  

Stage three I will go through all cycles of radiatios, tolerate all that comes my way and defeat you. Because God has made me undefeatable soul.

Cheer up my all friends who are sailing in the same boat. Say to yourself:

"I AM A FIGHTER.

WILL REMAIN SO ALWAYS"

Remember your fears defeat you nothing else.

I Am A Fighter - part 1

Before Surgery

 This article I am writing from my hospital bed, on 7th day of my surgery for Squamous cell carcinoma. The writing may be disjointed but the real time feelings are being expressed to covey the message "HAVE FAITH AND STAY POSITIVE".  

Staying positive is the key to life. Having faith and submitting yourself completely to God is ultimate essence of life. I do not know why but after great suffering, pain and discomfort I am not disheartened.  I was not shocked or scared or in denial when I was finally diagnosed with cancer.  I know the journey I am on to recovery will be long and path difficult but I choose not to accept defeat. After all who abd what can defeat a "defeated person".

It was long 7 hrs surgery with my face and neck getting slashed and stitched like football. Recovery of consciousness in ICU was tough. So confused, tired every bone aching tubes running through nose and chest. But in every dedicated staff I saw God. I came out of it in my hospital room weak, tired  but cared abd lovedl for.

I appreciate from the depth of my heart the ICU staff's commitment, dedication and patience. 

God through Col. Sinha and Mrs Sinha have sent me to able hands. They will do the needful. I just have to cooperate. 

Radiation or no radiation this course of action will be decided eventually. But if Almighty has decided this path of life then He will only guide me. I should bear everything with grace and dignity. 

I am not allowed to speak but what stops me from reading,watching my favorite serials, connecting with my friends through WhatsApp and ofcourse saying my daily prayers? Nothing. 

 Negative attitude which i will not allow to creep in me. I am a fighter. I have fought against odds earlier also. I will defeat this cancer also. 

Taking care of yourself, hygiene and following doctor's order to the T is must.

The scars on my face as my son in law,says will not be scars but badges of survival. Wear them with pride ija he says.

What is must is a supportive family. Do I have one? Oh yes. God has blessed me with wonderful family and the extended family is super supportive and loving. With my husband walking hands in hand after every RT feed, my daughter playing cards and chatting with me, telling jokes while we walk in the hospital corridor. My grand children letting their mother be away so that I can be taken care. Son and family trying best to come from USA to be with me.

What do I need more. Good experienced hands taking care, supportive and loving  family and God monitoring everthing from above. 

I will win the race with flying colours. I will write about my experiences later. Just now I want to be the proverbial  light for those entering or entered into the long arduous but navigable path of cancer. 

Remember "Nothing and No one can defeat you except Yourself"

चिर निद्रा

चिर निद्रा में नहीं सुलाता,

मुझको तू क्यों नहिं बुलाता, 

बालक हूँ मैं भी तो तेरी, 

मुझे पर दया क्यूं नहिं दिखाता। 

क्यों हृदय इतना कठोर तेरा, 

तू तो कमल सा कोमल है रे, 

मुझमें ही कुछ कमी होगी, 

किये होंगे कुछ पाप मैंने।

चेतना में तो बहुत खोजा, 

अवचेतन में भी बहुत खंगाला,

पर एक नहीं कारण मिल पाया, 

फिर सोचूं 

नन्हे बालक 

क्या जानें 

चेतन अवचेतन फिर क्यूँ,

भुगत रहे इतना त्रास, 

उनके कोमल चित्त ने ना  जाना, 

किस कारण मिला दंड उन्हें,

हे मालिक तू ही बता,

अब किससे करें आस।

परिधि

गृहस्थी के ठेले को ले, रिश्तों के मेले में घूमते घूमते, मैं आज तक यह ना समझ सकी कि मैं तो एक वृत्त की परिधि में घूम रही हूँ, जिसका अन्तिम बिन्दु तो है ही नहीं।

इस वृत्त की परिधि से बाहर निकलने के लिए  अपकेन्द्रिय शक्ति (centrifugal force) या सरल भाषा में कहा जाए  तो संकल्प शक्ति (will power) की जरुरत होती है, जिसको मैं कभी जुटा ही नहीं पायी।

इस अंत हीन परिधि से मुक्ति, केन्द्राभिमुख शक्ति (centripetal force), के प्रभाव से केन्द्र में गिर कर अनन्त  में विलीन होने से मिलती। जिसका हकदार ईश्वर  ने मुझे अब तक समझा नहीं। 

अकेली पड़ गई हूं, जिंदगी इतनी बेबस हो जाएगी सोचा भी ना था। चले तो सफर में एक साथ थे, समय के साथ दूरियाँ बढ़ती ही गईं, पथिक आते गए, अपनी अपनी मंजिल पाने हाथ छुड़ा अपनी राह जाते रहे, और हम सबका मार्ग दर्शन कराते कराते कब पथ के दो किनारे बन गए पता ही ना चला।

अब तो सफर कट रहा है, देखने को तो साथ साथ, पर सड़क के दो पाट चाहे कितनी ही दूरियां एक साथ चल लें पर मिलते नहीं, बस चलते ही रहते है और अंततः विलुप्त हो जाते हैं।

मैं तो हारी थकी सी पथिक हूं, विलुप्त होने की राह देखती हूँ। नयन थक गए और बाट जोहती हूँ। सब हैं, पर केवल तू ही है अपना इस जगत में मेरा प्रभु, हे प्रभु तुझसे मिलन की आस रखती हूं।

तेरी शरण मैं पड़ी हूं दयामय।

मुझपर दया करना हे प्रभू।।

अनायास मरणम् अन्य दाने जीवनम्।

मृत्युं त्वम् सानिध्यम् प्रदाति मे परमेश्वरम्।।

तुम्हरी मुस्कान

तुम्हारी मुस्कान

*************

गौरैया सी फुदकती,

मुख पर मुस्कान लिए, 

तुम्हरी ये सादगी, 

मेरे मन मस्तिष्क पर छा गयी थी, 

जब पहली बार तुम्हें, 

पाठशाला के गलियारे में देखा था। 

 

सूरज जैसे रोशनी दे कर,

क्षितिज में समा जाता, 

चाँद रात्रि में ठंडक दे कर, 

अपना भी कर्तव्य निभाता, 

तुम भी उसी तरह, 

कुशलतम अध्यापिका,

और प्रशासक बन,

अपने सब कर्तव्य निभाती,

अपनी सादगी और मुस्कान के, 

रंग बिखरती, 

सबसे दिल में हो छा जाती। 

मात पिता की सेवा करना, 

तुमसे सीखे कोई,

विकटतम परिस्थितियों में भी,

क्या तुम कभी भी रोई?

धैर्य और नम्रता की,

अद्भुत रूप हो तुम,

किस मिट्टी की बनी हो तुम, 

अब तक जान ना  पाया कोई, 

ईश से सदा ये मांगू, 

कोई कांटा तुमको ना चुभने पाये, 

सेवा निवृत्ति के बाद,

कुछ पल अपने लिये भी जी लेना, 

ये मुस्कान और सादगी से सदा, 

सबके हृदय में राज करो तुम।

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