तन्हा (Tanha :lonely)

तन्हा 

आज अपना ही साया,

कुछ अजनबी सा लग रहा है,

अपना ही साथ भीड़ सा लग रहा है,

यूँ तन्हा बैठी हूं अपने ही आगोश में,

ये अपने ही हाथों का  हार,

फांसी का फंदा लग रहा है,

ना जाने किस अंधकार से घिर गई हूँ,

मैं अपने आप में सिमट गई हूं। 

सब हैं मेरे साथ हंस बोलने को,

पर चेहरे सबके धूमिल हो गए हैं,

इस सुलगती आग के धुएँ में ,

इस पसरते अंधकार में , 

ना जाने कहाँ मैं खो गयी हूँ 

मैं अपने आप में सिमट गई हूं ।

ओ सूरज तेरी रोशनी आज क्या मद्धम पड़ गयी,

या खेलता है मुझसे तू आंख मिचौली,

क्यूँ कर ना आसमा थोड़े आंसूं बहा दे,

या ये ठंडी बयार मुझे भी छू ले,

सुकून मिले इस दहकते मन को,

नहीं तो सुलगते तन और मन के,

धुएँ के इस घने अंधकार में लिपट,

तन्हा अपने ही आगोश में, 

चिरंतर के लिए सिमट ही ना जाऊं, 

कहीं अनंत में, मैं खो ही न जाऊँ।

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

ज्योत्सना पन्त

I Am A Fighter Part - 5

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always try just one more time

Thomas A Edison

I was, elated twhen my Ryle tube was finally removed. The stitches inside mouth were intact. I was asked to go on soft diet. Egg half fry, chapati soaked in daal, vegetable soup with soft boiled vegetables, coconut water, milk shake, all seemed like a big treat to me.

I was warned and counseled by Doctor Dhar and Dr. Prabhune that surgery was the easier part of treatment, radiation is no piece of cake, be prepared for the vagaries of radiation.

Dr. Mansi Munshi Girme Radiation Oncologist and Cancer genetic specialist an amazing doctor, with calm disposition, firm but kind human being was my doctor for radiology therapy. She explained what to expect. 31 st July 2024 started my radiation sessions.

I had been told that in last few weeks getting Ryle tube would be better idea, but I had promised myself I will eat my food by mouth. Dr. Mansi kept on telling me grind the food abd eat, you are determined so I know you can do it, you can do without Ryle tube. She was great source of inspiration to me.

I knew after two weeks of radiation when mucositis (blisters) start appearing then things will get tough so "Make hay when sun shines". I went to a, day trip to Khadakwasla with my husband, son, DIL and grandson. Reviving golden memories in IAT, eating my food while enjoying the scenic beauty of lake. Family enjoyed their lunch. I had great time running around (giving scare to my family) with my grandson. We made memories to cherish and enjoy during tough days I was to face.

5th session got canceled due to technical reason. Took this opportunity and went for a long drive to Mahsoba temple (almost 15km from our residence).

The tickling sensation in tongue specially on right side (surgery side) started after 7th session and on 15th August on our Independence day my blisters thought of liberating themselves with vengeance and the underside of my right side tongue right inner cheek became full of painful mucositis. Saying they hurt will be understatement. I had to eat my food by grinding it to paste with very little salt. Egg half boil not a spec of solid I could tolerate, it was excruciatingly painful. That was starting.

The mouth wash, spray, lotions were prescribed to keep my blisters free of fungal infection and for numbing my mouth so that I can take my meals. Thank you Dr. Mansi for having faith on my resolution and helping me out to keep it.

As the time passed with each session of radiation new blisters, extreme heat enamating in mouth (which meant more inflamation), Mettalic taste and saliva becoming like thick mucous kept on increasing.

My son could not see me suffering and would tell me get Ryle tube ma, so did the resident doctor, because they feared I may not eat due to pain and in turn lose weight. Weight loss is detrimental for radiation.

But I refused, remodeled my diet to high protein (as per doctor high protein diet is required for recovery). Eggs, nut-oats-fox nut powder for milk shake, Khichdi with mix of pulses, rice and broken wheat (after, all carbs are also required) and butter milk.

It was not certainly Piece of Cake, things were not easy, sleepless nights due to dryness in throat, heat in mouth, pain and hurting mucositis. I used to tell myself in night I am taking a break from radiation, then in morning I used to ask myself "you got defeated huh" and this used to get over my dread of eating (rather drinking) my meals, and I used to get ready for my radiation session.

30 sessions done and I was told your radiation finished, but only to be told no three booster doses are also due. I must accept that I first refused, emphatically saying No. But just few minutes later asked OK when do I come. For me it was like " Q Sera sera what will be will be " .  And finished my 33 sessions of radiation without a break. Without Ryle tube getting put for feeding.

It takes great determination and resilience, but what determination and resilience would do without family support. Whenever my morale would be down my I would get message from my daughter, daughter in law, son in law encouraging me reminding me of my inner strength. My husband and son(who stayed with us till my radiation finished his wife and son in Chicago) would not show sympathy but would tell me " You are strong, it is matter of time and you will come out winner ". In particular I would like to share some messages by my Son in law 

 "I know the struggles, pain and challenges that you have gone through. The surgery marks and the face integrity is very much there. Superb fighting spirit and strength from you - Truly inspirational and very few people I know that are capable of it. I couldn't have been 10% of what you've been able to manage. Stellar! Exceptional! Keep going strong and we'll all be through this soon. Many hugs and wishes for you."

" Yes of course... Each swallow and tongue or mouth movement must be full of pain. Plus the thought of much more radiation and further inflammation... Just try to block the thinking of the future and just survive the today. One step at a time...

Once you're through, I'm buying you the best purse or holiday that you have always wanted. Just few more weeks of fighting on...

I'm bribing you to stay positive."

From my DAUGHTER'S MIL

" A Fighter spirit indeed!

An inspiration for all. 

Lots of good wishes for tomorrow's radiation session. This too shall pass. Praying for your speedy recovery. 🙌🙌🙌🤗🤗🤗"

Mouth blisters are major side effects of radiation but skin getting blacked, blisters and ulcers developing on neck are also side effect of radiation. Applying Aleo vera gel, no soap, no scrubbing is the only solution to it. 

Outer blisters and burnt skin takes two or three weeks maximum, provided due care should be taken and doctors order are followed to T. 

I have blisters on the tongue so while talking tongue hits teeth and blisters get hurt causing  immense pain. So I communicate by writting, remaining in silent mode. No cribbing wife so hubby should have some reason to be happy in these difficult days🤣.

My radiation therapy finished on 17th September, as per doctor it may take another month from today (7th October). Things are looking up. Most mucositis gone except above the tongue and near throat. 

Mucositis takes almost two months to get cured. 

Dr. Mansi your words "You are healing better than many patients half your age" gave me courage to deal what next few weeks bring on my way. 

Thank you Dr. Mansi, my family and friends for encouraging me, supporting me and having faith on my strength and determination. 

One message from my SIL 

"..... I think you outdid all of our expectations with your immense bravery, strength and positivity. Superb. Bravo. Take a bow!!!"

Saurabh you my husband and all my children, have such unflinching faith on me, I thank God and you all for that. 

I am a fighter. Only a small battle has been won. When tests are done and I am declared cancer free a war will be won. With Almighty blessings hope to keep on winning these wars every year. 

I Am A Fighter - Part 4

I am writing this article on the eve of first radiation therapy session.

It has been 3 weeks since I was discharged from hospital.

Adjusting to environment of my own home after massive surgery and staying in hospital initial 9 days after surgery was a bit tough, because of a bit fuzziness and disorientation.

In a day or two fully adjusted and comfortable, with an amazing nurse Rajeshree I started recouping fast. 

I felt elated when I was allowed to have coconut water from mouth along with RT feed of protein powder. One comes to know the importance of things which we take granted.

One week of water and coconut water doctor permitted met to take clear soups also from mouth. Though initially it used to be big task, soup dribbling all over, swallowing an effort but yet I enjoyed the bland soup. 

One week of two RT feeds, milk shake (made from oats, fox nuts, almonds and walnuts, sieved nicely to get rid of tiniest bit of solid particle) two feeds of soup with coconut water and sweet lime juice in between I started gaining my lost strength. 

With my son, daughter in law and grandson with us the environment of home was full of joy and laughter.The people and the environment in the house matters a lot.

The support, care and love of my children and grand children and the extended family acts like elixir. 

Then came a disappointment in the end of third week when I was expecting the RT to be removed I got swelling again on my sight of surgery. One tends to get perturbed. 

Expressing your feeling is best thing one can do. Don't hide your disappointment, and anger. Bottling up the feelings is worse thing.

 

Dr. Dhar is amazing doctor and this is what one requires, a doctor who listens patiently to your complaints as fickle as they may be. Brings down your anxiety by explaining everything. 

With some antibiotics and soothing words from Dr. Dhar I was in best of the spirits.

 

After three days I had to visit Dr. Prabhune and he removed my RT and asked me to take soft, non-spicy full meal, but high protein diet. I literally jumped with joy. 

With tube hanging from my nostril gone I enjoyed luke warm tea with biscuits after 25 days. It was a treat for me. 

Dinner of soup with sautéed mushrooms was a amazing. 

From next day onwards vegetable, Daal,roti/sabzi,currd, Khichdi(polenta), half fry egg etc anything which are not hard became part of menu of my breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Just one precaution is to be taken. Clean the mouth with with diluted mouth wash every time anything is eaten to keep surgery site of mouth cavity clean. 

Disappoint, irritation and pains are and will be part of the treatment. I am told by my doctors and radiotherapist that the second leg of journey will start getting tough after a, week or two. Weaknesses will start setting, skin will start getting darker and sensitive, blisters will start appearing in mouth, due to fibrosis mouth opening may go down so despite of pain and discomfort jaw opening excersice will have to be done. But I am also determined to bear what comes my way  with courageous attitude and be as cheerful as possible, yet vent out my feeling when going gets tough. 

Why be a defeatist when Almighty has blessed me with amazing set of doctors, great family and the means to get best of the treatment. 

Remember negative attitude only can defeat a person. Count your blessings. Be positive. 

I Am A Fighter -Part 3

This article is being written from neither from hospital nor from bed, but from the comfor of home, sitting on rocking chair in balcony surrounded by my plants.

Since I was doing fine, maintained my walks of 5k steps daily so I was sent home to recoup. I am yet being fed by RT, oral intake of plain water has started.

As I had said in my earlir article the journey is long, path arderous. I pray to Amighty to give me strength and walk the path with me. 

Once back do not expect things are the same as when you left for hospital, because then you were the boss now you are not. Believe me if you have a good family who takes care of everything like my daughter is doing, relaxing and let day pass by without any responsibility is very very comforting. 

What is important is that you are rest assured that people are there to do all the work, just lay back and focus on recouping.

On 11th july few staples of chest were removed, swollen cheek was drained of the accumulated fluid. 

I am lucky that I got very good private nurse who takes care of my cleaning, medicines, feed and plays cards with me. 

When RTfeed starts in the begining it does cause some loose motions, it is due to sudden chage of food which is "Resource" powder mixed with water. Nothing to worry. It settles down eventually. 

It does get frustrating that you can not communicate normally. Everytime you want to say something type on mobile or write on paper. Cumbersome but will get used to it. It is matter of 3 weeks max.

Remember to reach the hill top one has to navigate steep ascending path. Our path is not only steep but narrow also. No scope of looking left and right, just look forward towards your goal.

 My dear friends being brave and having invincible spirit are the keys  to come out winner. 

Be a Fighter.

I Am A Fighter -part 2

Second part of the article is also being written from hospital bed. Reality came knocking down with bang. Cancer is in third stage. Localized. Not spread to any part of body except out of three lymph nodes 2 were infected. So it will be wait for a month till stitches heal, then starts radiation therapy. 

Again I took it stoically.  As I said earlier it is  long journery to path of full recovery. The side effects of radiation therapy will be there. There will be good days, bad days, worse days. But then "Q sera sera what will be will be". Why loose your peace of mind by over thinking about things I cannot change. 

Fluid retention from internal seepage is taking, not getting drained completely making right side of face look like inflated foot ball and left side like deflated rugby ball.

Doctor comes deflates it but the bugger refuses to remain deflated. 

Will be discharged tomorrow to recover at home. Hope recovery is fast so that timely radiations can start. My only worry is finances and my husband who is 74 yrs of age and gets hassled fast. He cannot see me suffering. Seeing him brave faced infront of me I feel like laughing and telling come on my dear tell me you are scared. Sometimes crying, laughing together or simply holding hands can be therapeutic

There have seen people in my life whom I idolize for there strength and positive thinking.  

One person I would like to quote here is Siddharth Sinha (Bunny for us). Young chap with bunny teeth always smiling, studying hard. No special treatment madam he would say if I tried to be soft on him in my tution class. He was dealing with third stage blood cancer from the age of 12. 

His skin started cracking, going blue but he never stopped playing cricket and passed 12th with flying colors. Got 87%marks in chemistry my subject.  

Can a defeatist, negative thinker do that. A big No. He taught me what it takes to be a fighter. He lived with us with his toothy grin, happy go lucy attitude till Almighty had destined. You did not fail me Bunny I will not fail you.

My elder brother Dr. Kamlesh Kumar Pant has been constantly monitoring my progress and the support and strength he and my bhabhi Rekha Pant give is beyond description. They are my pillar of strength.

The nursing staff doctors in Jehangir hospital are extremely professional, experienced and such humane kindly attitude that I tend to forget I am suffering from stage three squamous carcinoma.  

I feel I  should mention the names of nusring staff Ms.Priya, Ms.Sayali, Ms.Roshni and Mr.Prateek from ICU. They are not nurses by profession only but by heart also. Dr. Dhar and Dr. Prabhune are expert hands one can rest assured of best treatment. When they smile I smile too eventually.  

Stage three I will go through all cycles of radiatios, tolerate all that comes my way and defeat you. Because God has made me undefeatable soul.

Cheer up my all friends who are sailing in the same boat. Say to yourself:

"I AM A FIGHTER.

WILL REMAIN SO ALWAYS"

Remember your fears defeat you nothing else.

I Am A Fighter - part 1

Before Surgery

 This article I am writing from my hospital bed, on 7th day of my surgery for Squamous cell carcinoma. The writing may be disjointed but the real time feelings are being expressed to covey the message "HAVE FAITH AND STAY POSITIVE".  

Staying positive is the key to life. Having faith and submitting yourself completely to God is ultimate essence of life. I do not know why but after great suffering, pain and discomfort I am not disheartened.  I was not shocked or scared or in denial when I was finally diagnosed with cancer.  I know the journey I am on to recovery will be long and path difficult but I choose not to accept defeat. After all who abd what can defeat a "defeated person".

It was long 7 hrs surgery with my face and neck getting slashed and stitched like football. Recovery of consciousness in ICU was tough. So confused, tired every bone aching tubes running through nose and chest. But in every dedicated staff I saw God. I came out of it in my hospital room weak, tired  but cared abd lovedl for.

I appreciate from the depth of my heart the ICU staff's commitment, dedication and patience. 

God through Col. Sinha and Mrs Sinha have sent me to able hands. They will do the needful. I just have to cooperate. 

Radiation or no radiation this course of action will be decided eventually. But if Almighty has decided this path of life then He will only guide me. I should bear everything with grace and dignity. 

I am not allowed to speak but what stops me from reading,watching my favorite serials, connecting with my friends through WhatsApp and ofcourse saying my daily prayers? Nothing. 

 Negative attitude which i will not allow to creep in me. I am a fighter. I have fought against odds earlier also. I will defeat this cancer also. 

Taking care of yourself, hygiene and following doctor's order to the T is must.

The scars on my face as my son in law,says will not be scars but badges of survival. Wear them with pride ija he says.

What is must is a supportive family. Do I have one? Oh yes. God has blessed me with wonderful family and the extended family is super supportive and loving. With my husband walking hands in hand after every RT feed, my daughter playing cards and chatting with me, telling jokes while we walk in the hospital corridor. My grand children letting their mother be away so that I can be taken care. Son and family trying best to come from USA to be with me.

What do I need more. Good experienced hands taking care, supportive and loving  family and God monitoring everthing from above. 

I will win the race with flying colours. I will write about my experiences later. Just now I want to be the proverbial  light for those entering or entered into the long arduous but navigable path of cancer. 

Remember "Nothing and No one can defeat you except Yourself"

चिर निद्रा

चिर निद्रा में नहीं सुलाता,

मुझको तू क्यों नहिं बुलाता, 

बालक हूँ मैं भी तो तेरी, 

मुझे पर दया क्यूं नहिं दिखाता। 

क्यों हृदय इतना कठोर तेरा, 

तू तो कमल सा कोमल है रे, 

मुझमें ही कुछ कमी होगी, 

किये होंगे कुछ पाप मैंने।

चेतना में तो बहुत खोजा, 

अवचेतन में भी बहुत खंगाला,

पर एक नहीं कारण मिल पाया, 

फिर सोचूं 

नन्हे बालक 

क्या जानें 

चेतन अवचेतन फिर क्यूँ,

भुगत रहे इतना त्रास, 

उनके कोमल चित्त ने ना  जाना, 

किस कारण मिला दंड उन्हें,

हे मालिक तू ही बता,

अब किससे करें आस।