Surviving Cancer

 Long back, almost 25 yrs back I saw the movie 'Finding Nemo'. The words said by Dory a blue tang fish to Nemo 'Keep swimming', and their repetition by Nemo to Marlin like a mantra, kept on resurfacing in my mind during my remission period. What profound effect  these two simple words of a movie watched almost 25 yrs ago had on me mentally is beyond discription and expression. 

These words propelled me through a sea of pain and discomfort, like they propelled Nemo and Marlin against the tide. 

1st July was the anniversary of my surgery. 

Navigating through post surgery was comparatively easier than post radiation. 

What was most challenging is eating. Meal time were most painful. 

The words 'Keep swimming' used to ring in my ears. I used to wonder why? What game my mind is playing with me? But these words surely made me push myself to do what I found difficult, painful, and tiring. 

I used to tell myself "if a tiny little fish can swim in huge expanse of sea full of predators, why can't I navigate myself tthrough this sea of pain, discomfort and apprehensions", (I would be lying if I said I had never doubted myself or not had any apprehensions). 

There are no short cuts towards regaing lost health. It is an ongoing process where a healthy lifestyle is followed diligently. That does not mean forgoing pleasures and enjoyment of life. 

Persue your hobby, go out with family and friends, catchup on all those TV programs you missed, gardening etc. What ever makes you happy do it. Happy mind leads to healthy body. 

Even after cutting the Ts and dotting the I ('s) of healthy life, one is not sure when destiny decides to throw a curved ball on you. Let the curved ball strike, as there is no other option, but to take it on one's stride and deal with it with all might is in our power. Only those who try win, "I cannot do" only cowards and losers say. 

Apart from reading, writing, gardening I even went for a ride on Harley Davidson with my son-in-law. It was my dream to go for a ride on Harley Davidson, my son in law full filled my dream. I was thrilled. God bless him. 

Every visit to doctor Dhar lifted my spirits. No words were sweeter than "All is well. Your progress is on expected line". 

But life is not that easy, one is challenged each day. Disfigurement of face is one gets used to. But what happens after radiation of jaw and neck doesn't make life easy.

It takes lots of patience and will power, so do not give up. Each day is an upward journey, even if it takes one year or more eventually life will be back to normal. OK almost normal 😃. Radiation side effects take time to wear off.

Few things will remain accept them as New Normal.

Loss of weight is inevitable. Due to ulcer on tongue, cheek lips or in short in whole mouth eating becomes difficult so intake of food reduces. 

One can opt for Ryle tube (i did not opt for it even during worst phase of radiation) which can solve the problem to some extent but some weight loss does occur which is basically muscle loss. Trying to take balanced diet is necessary. 

I lost 4 kg after surgery and another 4 kg during and 2kg after radiation. Do not expect that this loss of weight can be recovered in a month or two. It is a long drawn process. Because what one eats (which is basically lesser than the required amount), gets consumed in repair of the wear and tear the body has gone through. What is must is to maintain good energy level by consuming diet comprising of more proteins enough amount of healthy fats, fruits and cereals. 

For vegetarians or vegans plant based protein are the only option, so the diet should be enhanced by taking protein powder in milk or water. Doctors are best person to advice which one. 

Since I am a non-vegetarian I could take eggs. Two eggs a day, broth of pulses and lentils, nuts, dairy products provided enough protein, fats etc. 

Though my taste and smelling power had bounced off to south after radiation, yet I could not take  anything with chicken, mutton or fish. Developed strong aversion towards non vegetarian food. One of the many quirk which happened to me after radiation. It may or may not happen to everyone undergoing or undergone radiation, but if it happens do not be scared it wears off slowly. Many likes dislikes, longing or aversion will keep on appearing and disappearing.

Due to ulcers it was liquid or semisolid diet in initial 5 months . So no chewing done for almost 4-5 months. Relearning how to chew had to be done. 

Radiation caused fibrosis in cheek muscles, so the alignment of Jaws also decided to venture  south, this along with loss of chewing practice for almost 5 months made chewing difficult. 

Radiation of neck and jaw caused the salivary gland to dry up completely so I had no saliva and mastication also stopped taking place. No saliva, no mastication. 

Each morsel was a baby steps taken towards relearning chewing and swallowing with the help of liquid (soup /butter milk), I avoided coffee with food as it inhibits absorption of iron and other minerals. 

Nemo the vibrantly colored small fish kept on nagging me 'Come on you can do it'. The image of Nemo swimming  away from captures  to his father used to make me smile. 

I used to tell myself come on you can chew. Just keep trying. 

My efforts (though sloppy, painful, dribbly) paid me hugely and by April end 7.5 months after radiation I was eating my full meal with almost any vegetable, pulses, lentils, Legumes, curd, chapati and rice. By May month I was able to eat prawns and some chicken. Though yet the revulsion towards nonveg food is persisting. 

Digestion becomes weaker, as due to lack of mastication the initial step of digestion does not take place, also it seems my gut bacteria also went on vacation. My physician Dr. Kshirsagar prescribed some pro - pre biotic and it helped a lot. 

By April I had finished with my visit to Dr. Prabhune, Dr. Mansi and my first quarterly visit to Dr. Dhar. "All clear " these magical words rang like a, swan song in my ear. 

Tagged as most complying patient by Dr. Prabhune and Dr. Dhar was another victory for my resilient self. 

1st July 2025 was the anniversary of my surgery. Now my mouth opens without pain almost 90 % of original opening. I can eat anything I want. The super sensitiveness towards spices has come down to just sensitive. Meaning I eat mildly Spiced food. 

Small things like eating long grained rice, noodles which was not possible earlier (used to get stuck in throat) can be eaten with some effort. 

Pleasure I get in these small things which I had taken for granted earlier,is immense. 

I got a good surgery anniversary gift from Dr. Dhar! I am free of cancer. By God's grace All is well. 

Indeed God is great so are my doctors. 

Some scary moment do keep on occurring. Sudden swelling of right cheek, bad infection of gastroenteritis, teeth becoming sensitive etc.With medical intervention all is taken care of easily. 

Since saliva is yet not there. Little slimy excretion have started from salivary glands. Saliva maintains Ph of mouth to alkaline, but in it's absence mouth tends to become acidic, so oral hygiene, rinsing mouth with saline water is a must. 

Radiation causes gums to receded, exposing tooth root, the structure and properties of enamel and dentin causes tooth decay /exposure of inner part of tooth. So regular visits (at least every six months) is must. My dentist has fixed my problems perfectly. Suggested special tooth paste, saline water rinsing of mouth after meals. 

Nothing would have been possible but for my super supportive family, Great doctors who are amazing human being also, and all loving, caring friends.

My three grandchildren are Becon Of My Life. 

Almighty has been extremely kind to me. 

कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु नमस्ते ।

मेरी बगिया

 मेरी बगिया 

एक पुष्प से बनी बगिया मेरी,

देखो कितना सुन्दर है,

सूरज की किरणें, 

लें चुंबन जब प्यार से,

तब भाग्य पर इठलाता है। 

जब प्रकृति हैगीत गाती , 

रंग बदलता, पंखुड़ियों को लहरा लहरा, 

मुदित हो नृत्य करता है, 

जब मन्द मन्द पवन उसको दुलराती,

मन मगन हर्ष से आमोद करता है।

वर्षा की बूदें मोतियों का हार बन, 

श्रिंगार जब उसका करती हैं, 

कितना सुन्दर मनमोहक, 

तब यह पुष्प मेरा लगता है। 

यह एक अकेला पुष्प मेरा, 

मेरी बगिया बनाता है, 

बस एक पुष्प सबका मन मोह, 

मेरी बगिया बन जाता है। 

दंभ

एक वृक्ष को जो पतझड़ की शुश्क पत्ते और वसंत ऋतु की हरित क्रांति को साथ साथ लिए, पुराने वस्त्रों को उतार नवीन वस्त्र धारण करने की आतुरता में अपने वक्षस्थल को ताने खड़ा था। तभी एक महानुभाव ने उसे काट कर धराशायी कर दिया। उसे टुकड़ों में कटता देख मन में कुछ भाव आए जो शब्दों में पिरो दिए। 

दंभ

पवन चली वेग से,

परिपक्व पत्ते रंग बदलते, 

खिलखिलाते हैं इठलाते हैं,

कुछ कोमल पंखुड़ियां,

हरित क्रांति का शुभारंभ कर ,

नव वधू सी लाजती हैं।

अपने अल्हड़पन में,

कुछ अहंकार, कुछ दंभ से ,

सूखे पत्ते नव कपोलों से,

खनकती वाणी से बोले,

देखो हम कितना नाचते, 

पवन चलती वेग से जब,

स्वछन्द हो नित नये, 

गीत मधुर सुनाते हैं। 

उतार दो तुम लाज की ओढ़नी 

छोड़ो इतना भी क्या शर्माना। 

पर वह तो कोमल पंखुड़ियां थी, 

लिपट रही डालियों पर, 

जैसे हो कोई बालक, 

छुपता अपने माँ के आंचल में। 

वृक्ष गर्व से सोचता, 

कोमल पंखुड़ियां नहीं जानती, 

यह तो काल चक्र है, 

आज हैं कोमल कल सूख जायेंगी, 

सूखी पत्ती नीचे गिर कर, 

पंच तत्व में विलीन हो जायेंगी, 

मन ही मन में मुस्कुरा, 

स्व अहमन्य हो से बोला, 

मुझको ले कर इनका अस्तित्व है, 

मैं हूँ इनका पालनहार। 

तब ही किसी ने मारा कुल्हाड़ा, 

पीड़ा से विहल हो वृक्ष, 

अश्रु बहाते धराशायी होगया, 

ना जाने किसके अग्नि कुंड में, 

भस्म हो अपना भी अस्तित्व खो गया, 

पंचतत्व में विलीन हो गया ।। 

प्रकृति से सीखो,

दंभ ना करो,

ईश्वर के सिवा सब नश्वर है। 

🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳

ज्योत्सना पंत 

मुक्ति

मुक्ति 

नारायण ने की भक्ति स्वीकार,

दिया आशिर्वाद सदा स्वस्थ रहो।

मैं भोली पूछ बैठी,

फिर क्यूँ मैं अस्वस्थ ? 

नारायण बोले, 

क्यूं है तू अनभिज्ञ इस सत्य से,

तेरा यह शरीर है, नहीं तू अस्वस्थ। 

इस आवरण को जान,

स्वयं को पहचान, 

कर आत्म समर्पण, 

होगा तेरा कल्याण। 

पीड़ा अब असह्य हो गई, 

हे नारायण कब होगा, 

इस देह से निदान,  

अपने चरणों की धूल दे, 

मुझे कृतार्थ कर दे, 

शरण में मुझे अब, 

हे नाथ ले ले। 

किए हैं पाप अनभिज्ञता में, 

अबोध जान क्षमा तू करदे, 

दो कर जोड़ स्तुति मैं करती, 

शरण में तू ले ले, 

शरण में तू ले ले।।

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺
ज्योत्स्ना पंत

I Am A Survivor

 

If traversing through a maze,

Of physical pain. 

And mentally agony, 

Even though in emotional haze,

Is surviving,

Then 

Yes I have survived.

If swinging like a pendulum, 

Left to right, right to left, 

In a sway of physical vagaries, 

Is surviving,

Then,

Yes I have survived.

If living life for months, 

Like a see-saw,

Up and down

Down and up,

Is surviving,

Then,

Yes I have survived.

Face and neck stitched like a baseball,

Inner and outer skin, 

like a roasted chicken,

Knowing not the diff'ce,

Between eating and gulping,

Uttering a word

Oh! What a painful task,

Yet living to see a healthy future,

Is surviving,

Then

Yes I have survived.

Pollyanaism, Faith, 

Resilience and determination,

Mantras of life I learnt,

Shooed away the negativity, 

Steered me onto right path, 

Pulled me out of whirlpool, 

Which is cancer, 

And I survived. 

Yes I am a survivor, 

A cancer survivor. 😊

Jyotsna Pant

---------------------

I Am A Fighter Part - 6

This first day of the year 2025, it is 6 months of surgery for squamous carcinoma and 3.5 months since last session of radiation have completed. I can say that I have navigated through a maze of physical vagaries that are part and parcel of surgery and radiation. 

  I would not shy away from accepting that the negativity, uncertainty some times even depression did creep in, but my attitude of "Never say I give up" as these are word of cowardice, made me mentally strong to find my way through the difficult six months. 

    Radiation side effects were more difficult to endure. I yet suffer from it. Neck looking like a plucked chicken and face like Tandoori chicken (minus the color restaurant put 😅). Extreme xerostomia, lingering metallic taste in mouth, transient lingual papilistus, misalignment of jaws caused by fibrosis in cheek muscles (Again these are pectoral muscles are planted in cheek by plastic surgeon Dr. Prabhune) due to radiation, thus unable to chew, are few of them. This made partaking my meals tough. So I started grinding my bread (roti/parantha) to powder, soaking in lentil soup (daal) and using vegetable soup or butter milk to gulp it (lack of saliva due to dead salivary gland on right side and left one gone dormant ). 

I do not know if this is the case with most patients or only me, I became very sensitive to smell and look of food. Due to continuous eggs diet and pulpy rice or polenta (Khichdi) in diet for 4 initial months, I developed aversion to egg, anything with rice so I designed my vegetarian diet around vegetables, lentils, nuts, soups, curd, milk and fruits. Food for me was like putting nutrition in my body because it needed it. Period. Nothing more nothing less. Gulp it. 

When I look back I wonder what happened to the finicky, picky eater that I was. These six months I just concentrated at what Dr. Dhar and Dr. Mansi told me. My aim was high protein, low carb, no sugar diet. I lost almost 8kg weight in first 4months and it stabilized at 46 kg. My energy level never went down. I maintained a disciplined life style. Timely eating, proper walk and excersice, gardening (my plants are like my babies), going to bed on time. Though life was like a clock tick-tick-tick, yet It helped a lot. 

For anyone recuperating from long drawn illness, proper diet, desciplined life style, excersice and Positive thinking is must. 

Believe on yourself, have faith on Almighty above and Gods on the earth that is your Doctors. 

There were times when I prayed to Almighty to free me from this body. Is it wrong? I DO NOT THINK SO. Reason I am free to pray what I want in my private corner in this world. But my  husband's dedication, children's support and my three grand children's unwavering, everlasting, unperishable love and extended families belief in me snapped me out of this negative thinking. The next thing I knew was myself praying for healthy life ahead. 

       After getting all clear from Dr. Dhar in November I was happy yet a bit apprehensive for "What if......"  

Next visit was on January 3rd 2025. Last week of December was the emotionally toughest for me. As apprehension started creeping again. What if relapse has occoured, Oh lord I will have to go through radiation, may be chemotherapy now. 

I prayed, spent last week of year 2024 with my children and grandchildren but my daughter and son-in-law could feel I am dejected and they understood. 

3rd January came with good news I was waiting for while preparing myself for the worst. Dr. Dhar was happy to see my progress. No relapses. I was cancer free. 

My upper jaw last molar started hanging down(chopped off mandible so no lower teeth to support the upper one) hurting my tongue, so dentist visit. It was extracted by Dr. Muddasir Sheikh next day.  

Do not expect life to be the same as before. Adjustment to the physical changes it has brought, is to bring new normalcy.

Adjustment Is Another Name Of Life.

सीता राम सीता राम सीता राम कहिये 

जाही विधि राखे राम ताहि विधि रहिए। 

In these six months I fought many battles, physical and mental. Glitches came (No harm in admitting) but I won.  During these times, I expressed my feling in my poems and getting negativity out of my system. Reading,writing,listening to music and taking care of my potted plants was therapeutic.

My Doctors made me win. My family played their part by giving unwavering support. My friends prayed for me.

Almighty blessed me. 

Hoping for best in future, praying to Almighty for good health. Remaining positive. That is my mantra.

So battle with cancer is won for now. 

I Am A Cancer Survivor. 

तन्हा (Tanha :lonely)

तन्हा 

आज अपना ही साया,

कुछ अजनबी सा लग रहा है,

अपना ही साथ भीड़ सा लग रहा है,

यूँ तन्हा बैठी हूं अपने ही आगोश में,

ये अपने ही हाथों का  हार,

फांसी का फंदा लग रहा है,

ना जाने किस अंधकार से घिर गई हूँ,

मैं अपने आप में सिमट गई हूं। 

सब हैं मेरे साथ हंस बोलने को,

पर चेहरे सबके धूमिल हो गए हैं,

इस सुलगती आग के धुएँ में ,

इस पसरते अंधकार में , 

ना जाने कहाँ मैं खो गयी हूँ 

मैं अपने आप में सिमट गई हूं ।

ओ सूरज तेरी रोशनी आज क्या मद्धम पड़ गयी,

या खेलता है मुझसे तू आंख मिचौली,

क्यूँ कर ना आसमा थोड़े आंसूं बहा दे,

या ये ठंडी बयार मुझे भी छू ले,

सुकून मिले इस दहकते मन को,

नहीं तो सुलगते तन और मन के,

धुएँ के इस घने अंधकार में लिपट,

तन्हा अपने ही आगोश में, 

चिरंतर के लिए सिमट ही ना जाऊं, 

कहीं अनंत में, मैं खो ही न जाऊँ।

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

ज्योत्सना पन्त